Bottom of a Bottle
by Altaira Star
Summary: I stumbled through the park, vision blurred. The rain felt like piercing needles on my flesh. My eyes stung like a thousand bees. My head was spinning like a ride at the fair that won't stop... and I don't dare get off. Story if enough R&R.


  
Songfic: Altaira Star   
Title: Bottom of a Bottle   
Rating: R for drug use, suicidal interactions, and sanity dislevelments.   
Disclaimer: Song by _Smile Empty Soul_; I don't own that or Sailor Moon. 

I stumbled through the park, vision blurred. The rain felt like piercing needles on my flesh. My eyes stung like a thousand bees. My head was spinning like a ride at the fair that won't stop... and I don't dare get off. I trip over a crack in the walkway. My hands and knees are stinging like fire. I need to get to him. I think i'll die if I don't. I lift a hand to my back pocket and feel the cash I have. Good, I haven't lost it. I get up and continue to make my way. There he is. I see him, just barely. I reach into my back pocket and take out the money, holding it tight. I run as fast as I can towards him.

_Been scared and lonely  
I've asked myself is something wrong with you  
My girlfriend told me  
I need some time alone to deal with issues  
_

"Got it?!?" he says.

I look up at him with my abused body and show him the cash. He grabs it and counts it carefully. Then he thrusts a backpack at me and I run back to my small apartment, holding my drugs tight. Ever since Darien left me these have been the only thing keeping me going. I struggle up the steps, one hand gripping the railing, the other holding the bag tightly to my chest. I find my apartment with some difficulty and manage to get out my key and unlock the door. When I'm in I shut it behind me and sink to the floor, crying. How did I let it get this far?

_ But something makes me carry on  
It's difficult to understand   
Why I always wanna fly  
_

I reach up over my head and lock the door tightly. I crawl over to the living room and sit on the floor with my back against the wall. My breathing is labored and its hard. I need them. I take the bag that I have guarded so carefully away from my chest and unzip it. The contents fall out in a jumbled manner. Needles, razors, acid patches, bags of marajuana and cocaine, and some bottle of pills that I don't know the name of. I sigh it relief. My hope is restored.

_I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle  
_

I pull up my arm and start my little ritual. Razor first, my arm is so rigid from all the scars. The Razor slices my skin and I relish the sliver of pain that courses from my body. My eyes close in relief. I do it a few more times until I feel some satifaction. I toss the used blade out. I precede to use the rest of the drugs. Cocaine, pot, these things make me feel alive. They make me feel the same way that Darien did, but better. It's hard to describe. I slap on an acid patch and watch the room melt in front of me. I just sit there, staring at the wall, feeling content in my drugged up state.

_You always call me  
And ask me how I make it through the day  
I'm always fallin'  
I guess it's just God's way of making me pay  
_

I get up and try to make my way over to my bed. I have to use the wall to feel since the room still looks melting. My legs hit the bed. I drop onto it and turn my head to look at my arm, watching the blood fall out, staining the covers. It just bleeds and bleeds and I just stare and stare at it, helpless. My head starts to become woozy.

_But something makes me carry on  
It's difficult to understand, why I always wanna fly_

Those drugs are the only thing I have left in this world. I love them. They gave me a whole new life. I love the pain and the high feeling that they gave me. I hear knocking on my door, but just barely. I can't get up. I don't want to. I hear my lock turn. Must be my roommates Lita and Amy. They share an apartment with me. I hear them in the living room. They found my stash. They must be pissed that I did this again.

_I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle  
I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle  
_

They just don't understand. I love that feeling. That feeling that I get from the bottom of a bottle. I do it just to feel alive. I turn my head becuase I just noticed that I'm clutching something in my other hand. It's that unnamed bottle. I didn't even know I had it. I reach a shaky hand for the water bottle that I keep beside my bed and down 3 pills. Immediatly I start those hallucinations. This is all I can do to escape the real world... and I hate the real world.

_When I, I wonder why I try  
And I, I wonder why I bother  
And I, I wonder why I cry  
Why I, I go through all this trouble  
_

I scream. I'm in my princess outfit and I don't know how I got in it. I try to tear at the material to rip it off but everytime I make a rip, it comes back good as new. I start running, past Amy and Lita, and out the door. I see Darien at the end of the hallway, Rei and Mina behind him. That has to be a hallucination too. Darien hates me know. He hates me. I push past them, still clawing at my dress. I run outside and into the rain. This time when I tear at my dress, it doesn't mend. It falls limply off my body and onto the ground. I look around at the melting buildings. I tilt my face up to the rain and watch the rain fall. The drops hit my eyes and sting like fire. I don't care. I keep them open. Staring at the sky. Just staring.

_I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle  
I do it for the drugs  
I do it just to feel alive  
I do it for the love  
That I get from the bottom of a bottle  
_

This is what I live for. The pain. The feeling. The feeling of being alive. I do it for the love. The love I lost. This is all that replaces that. That feeling. That feeling that I get from the bottom of a bottle. I fall forward and lay on the ground. I pull up my lacerated wrist. I love that red red blood color. I love it. And with that I close my eyes.

Ok.... I rated this R just to be safe but please tell me if you think it's PG-13... I'm not sure. Thx  
Altaira Star 


End file.
